Working to help companies and individuals transform towards a more conscious way of being, I am always in the middle of all the myths that we as human beings have about ourselves. The myth of controlling anything in our work, lives, the myth of willingness to be happy, the myth of understanding anything that happens around us, the myth of being perfect or …. The myth of being able to improve oneself.
While growing up, I understood in the face of reality that I could not be a perfect mother: sometimes I just wanted to run away from kids. I found out that I could not be a perfect worker – his one I discovered at quite a young age – some companies fired me and I escaped very fast from others, despite their wishes to retain me. I found out that I was far from being what you might call “ a good friend” as I am seemingly unable to give a call when I have nothing to say, I could keep going … with all my life: as a wife, as a boss, as a daughter, as a sister….I am crap and I know it. I used to judge myself very strongly about that.
I was thinking and feeling that it was expected from me to be a better person, nicer, calmer, more empathic, more patient, more in love, more present more, more, more.. Always more. Not only was I expected to be more, I was expecting other to fill this gap and to be more themselves.
And then I figured out that IT IS OK TO BE SHIT! ok…. OK to be shit. Because we are human and it is part of it, etc etc…
The more I work in the frame of coaching, helping individuals, teams and companies, the more I dig into the word “authenticity”. Being true to yourself. Being authentic.
And then I just figured out that suddenly authenticity became a new ideal, a new perfection to reach. “Be yourself”, “be the best version of yourself” was in my head, in my heart every day like a song that I cannot help singing. This became a new injunction to me … a new judgement about me (and also others), I was always checking on me: how do I feel with what I live, what I hear, what is said, am I being really who I want to be right now? What do I need to do to be as authentic as I can? And on, and on….
I was completely losing my spontaneity for the benefit of searching for an idealistic perfect authenticity, or at least what I thought it should look like. I was thinking my being, trying to create an authentic being against a model I had for perfection. I was very harsh on judging me for not being able to be authentic ALL THE TIME.
Can it even be? I do not know. What I do know now is that accepting and living and even loving that imperfection, not being authentic is part of me being authentic and it makes me feel alive and human.